Inspirational Thoughts for Caregivers

The best work is done with the heart breaking or overflowing

Sat, 03 May 2008 11:02:45 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "The best work is done with the heart breaking or overflowing" Mignon MClaughlin Grief and passion are two huge sources of energy. The secret in harnessing the power of both of those huge extremes of emotion is to let them transform something inside you into something bigger outside of you. The energy released by extreme sadness or by great love has been the source of many of the creative capabilities and innovations in the world. I remember in the third year of taking care of my father that on an early morning in January I had the following sequence of thoughts: " I think I"ll walk the dogs. I'll read the paper. I'll have some cereal. And then I'll shoot myself." The only thing strange to me at the time was that it occurred to me that I didn't care for cereal that much. Everything else seemed normal. What had happened was that the fatigue of running a business, raising a teenager, being in a relationship and caring for a parent with Alzheimer's was beginning to take its toll. As I often do when I am sad or frustrated, I saw down and started writing. What came out of that writing was the story of the first three days of my life as a care giver with my father. When I read the story to my life partner Christine she loved it and said: "You have to make a bigger story out of this for other people". What happened over the next year was the beginning of what you see on The Parent Care Solution website: the book, the process, the training for specialists, the national media campaign for Parent Care Day, the Solutions Center and everything else to deal with the challenges of aging parents. Anger driven deeply inward results in depression. Passion expressed outward results in joy. The best work is done when we can transform the anger into joy and the joy into action. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will allow whatever emotions you are experiencing to produce the great work of which you are capable. Post Your Comment

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes

Fri, 02 May 2008 14:17:39 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes." W.C. Fields Not too many years ago Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a wonderful book on how we deal with the stages of death and dying. In various time lengths we go through denial, anger, bargaining, indifference and acceptance. All the stages are simply ways for our emotional and spiritual components to come to terms with the condition that we are in. Bargaining was the stage that intrigued me when I read the book years ago. Bargaining is sort of a disguised plea to let this thing that you are about to experience go away in exchange for doing or not doing certain things. Bargaining is a sort of loophole that you hope to make your way through to avoid what appears to be the inevitable. It's a bluff hand at a poker table you shouldn't have been at in the first place. We look for loopholes in the care giving process early on. We look for government loopholes, family loopholes, housing loopholes and care loopholes in an attempt to avoid what is ultimately our responsibility: taking care of our parents. We come to find out after a while that even though it's possible to delegate some of the tasks it's not possible to shirk the responsibility entirely. There is not "ultimate responsibility" loophole that we get to sneak through undetected to avoid the responsibilities of care. Instead of looking for a loophole to get you out of responsibilities why don't you look for a path that leads to more? If things are easy, then do them easy. If they are hard, then do them hard. Just get them done. If you can't go over, around, through, or under some of the obstacles and challenges you face, then just stay there and meet them head on. Nothing can stop a spirit that will stake even it's existence on the extent of it's purpose. Loopholes aren't necessary. Commitment is. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will use your commitment to the one you are caring for as a way to recharge your energy and not the loopholes to avoid expending the energy that is needed. Post Your Comments

The first prerequsite for an advanced being is a sense of humour

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:34:10 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "The first prerequisite for an advanced being is a sense of humour" Richard Bach It is easy to get caught up in the seriousness of care giving. After all, caring for people is serious business. The result of staying focused on the seriousness of the tasks as a care giver is that you lose a sense of perspective about yourself, the one you are caring for and the entire situation. Finding something to laugh about each day can enlarge that perspective and put the seriousness back in its appropriate position. One morning when I came to my father's care center to serve him breakfast he was not at his usual place at the table. As I turned from the dining room to go down the hallway to his room I saw him walking towards me. He had his shirt, socks, underwear and shoes on but had forgotten his trousers. He was completely oblivious to that fact and I accelerated my pace to meet him before he could come into the dining area. When I reached him I said " Good morning, did you forget something?". He looked all around, down at his feet, and then looked at me and said: "Well, I forgot my watch." I could barely contain my laughter as I gently turned him around to go back to his room to help him finish getting ready. His little antic that morning served as a constant reminder to me for the rest of the time I cared for him that in the most dire of situations there is something to laugh about. What I did every day after that on our visits was to do my best to see what we can find to laugh about together. Whether it was something he could remember or something that was happening in the world that he could understand, we always found a way to bring humour in our time together. The sheer act of laughing not only brought with it fresh oxygen but a fresh perspective. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will help you and the one you are caring for to find something to laugh at each day. Post Comments

You cannot make yourself do something you do not feel but

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:45:41 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "You cannot make yourself do something you do not feel but you can make yourself do something right in spite of your feelings." Pearl S. Buck A few years ago there was a huge movement in the psychological community that was entirely premised on doing something or being with someone based on how you 'felt' about that something or someone. The net result was a sort of "in this moment I feel" nonsense that made even the most insignificant of contemplated acts subject to a weird combination of brain chemistry and pizza going through one's digestive system. The problem with relying on just 'feelings' to do something is that the way we feel at the moment is the result a number of things that may not be entirely in our control: the weather, an unexpected income tax bill, a fender bender, a bad report card for one of the children, even a surprise gift or visit. "Feelings" are as much a result of circumstantial situations as they are any sort of deliberate notion. The challenge in care giving, especially with parents, is that you are charged with doing the 'right' things each day no matter what your 'feelings' toward them. It's funny how the sense of duty and responsibility when driven through action create their own type of unique feeling. The feeling of doing what you are supposed to when you are supposed to do in the way that someone expects you to brings an indispensable 'feeling' to your being: that of confidence. Each time you do the 'right' thing instead of the 'convenient' thing your confidence actually improves. Care giving has in it's basic requirements the demand that we do lots of right things. It really doesn't care how we feel about doing them. It only asks that we do the thing that needs to be done regardless of how we feel about it. Our joy, irritation, happiness, or frustration with the thing required is really our choice each and every time. RESOLVE as a care giver that your feelings will always be driven by your actions for it is in the doing that we become what we want to feel. Post Comments

Reality is not about facts but about the relationship of facts to one another, Ronald Steel

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:45:41 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor The cry of "You're not facing reality" or "You're not dealing with reality" is one that care givers both hear and utter during the course of their care giving experience. They are either dealing with a parent who is direct and blunt about their current situation or they are having to deal with a parent who is in complete denial. Siblings fall prey to this 'not dealing with reality' thinking and projection a lot as they observe your efforts from miles away and greater altitudes. The reality is that reality is pretty much how we assemble the facts and work them through our own filter of wisdom, experience, and understanding. How we view what is going on is as much a product of that filter as the things themselves. One person's tragedy is another's opportunity for transformation. It really is dependent on how we arrange the facts in our own mind. The philosopher Camu once wrote: "The only true philosophical question is suicide. Once you've decided that then you are bound to be an optimist." I'm not suggesting that every day in care giving is a long sun drenched walk through the daisy fields but every day is also not tip toeing through mine fields either. Here's the choice: You can arrange the facts in your life to support your belief that life is just one big learning and growth experience or you can arrange them to support your belief that the world has conspired to give you your own personal franchise on misery. It's your perspective. Reality....what a concept. Even more exciting is that the determination of our own reality is pretty much left up to us within reason. Don't confuse design with delusion. Bleeding to death from a stomach ulcer while waiting for meaning and purpose to reveal itself is not the reality attempt you want to make. RESOLVE that as a care giver you will rearrange the facts surrounding you to create the reality that works for. Post Comments

Meaning is the new Money, Daniel Pink

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:45:41 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor One of the benefits of living in a fairly well developed society with lots of supporting structures and capabilities is that we have time for reflection. In a world where you begin the day looking for a place to go to the bathroom and the rest of the day is spent finding food, water, or shelter, reflection is way down the list of considerations. Most often when we are reflecting we are trying to connect circumstances, events, and our involvement with them in a way that makes sense for us. We do that in order to bring closure to our past but we also do it to create some sense of meaning about those events and our lives. In Daniel Pink's magnificent book, A WHOLE NEW MIND, he discusses how for us, in the 21st century, the search for meaning is actually the new currency we are trading. In other words, the more meaning we can find or make in a situation the richer we potentially become. While not tradeable like dollars, the meaning is still a form of barter for the management of our daily lives. The more meaning we have to barter with the less we are taken advantage of by the world we are trading with. Every situation becomes an opportunity to end up with the better bargain because of our capacity to create surplus meaning no matter what the circumstances. Care giving is a virtual meaning factory. Every day offers the opportunity be a modern day alchemist and transform the coal of an experience into the gold of one. Take two people with the same experience and one will be devastated by it and the other will be transformed by it in a positive manner. Care giving responsibilities aren't good or bad....they just are. You can use them to go mad or you can use them to create meaning. The more meaning you create the more you build your "gold' reserves up. The concept of meaning as money is interesting because all value around currency exists only in our minds and our collective belief about what the particular currency we are using is worth. We are supported in life with that by our everyday experiences of trading with others and by government and societal systems that reinforce our mutual beliefs. Just like the currency we give meaning to, each situation based on our belief about that situation, provides meaning RESOLVE as a care giver that you will never run out of money because you will never cease to find meaning. Post Comments

Every Friday is a Good One, Dan Taylor

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:45:41 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor At least one sixth of the world is beginning the celebration today of one of the tenets of their faith...that there is the promise of tomorrow, transformation, and beginning again no matter how dark or horrible the day before. There's a tremendous lesson for care givers here and it isn't as obvious as it may seem. It is tempting to take the care giving experience and superimpose over it metaphors of struggle, determination and triumph. I like that idea and believe it has great merit in the motivation and inspiration of those tasked with the every day care giving challenge. But no matter how many images of windy peaks, lofty views, or massive thunderclouds with a ray of sunshine peaking through, there are the simple every day demands of just getting someone up, getting them dressed, fixing breakfast, and getting ready to do it all over again.. With all due respects to the great religious beliefs of the world who portend an eternal and possibly inevitable individual after life, my sense and experience thus far has been that the daily resurrection is pretty much left up to us. Each day can be a day that is precedent for your own continual crucification or each day can be the day when you get up, roll the stone away that you or someone else has put in the way of your future and go about the transformation of your world and the world of those around you. There's a confidence that comes with taking charge and being responsible for your own transformation and resurrection . Each day that you overcome and transform the events of the day before by making the good things terrific and the not so good things better you add tiny layers to your confidence. There's no point in a resurrection if there's no better future to resurrect to. Leave the after life to Somebody bigger than you and you just focus on looking after your life on a daily basis.. RESOLVE as a care giver that each day will be a day of personal resurrection and transformation for you and the one you are caring for. Post Comments

Never,never waste a minute on regret. It's a waste of time, Harry Truman

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:37:13 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor I'm not a big fan of funerals.... especially ones where family members show up to speak on behalf of a parent that has passed after a long illness. There's the usual verbiage and testimony of the passed one's life and what they might have meant to the one speaking. At some point there's an admonition to live your life each day as if it were the last and to have no regrets. Most of the time at that point I'm beginning to regret that I came to the service in the first place. Regret, along with it's second cousin, guilt, is the last refuge for the self indulgent. It's much easier to wallow in the empathy pool you fill for yourself around those two emotions than it is to actually do the thing that you regretted or felt guilty about not doing. In the end, regret is about not taking action on something that you knew needed to be done or something that you did but aren't sure of now. In either situation regret and guilt are like looking at an empty glass and either wishing it was full or wishing you hadn't emptied it. The way to by pass the uselessness of regret is to be in the present as much as you possibly can. Be aware of what needs to be done, who it needs to be done for, and what your contribution should be. When that task has something to do with the care of parents then all that's required is to be present and act. Those two conditions make regret completely unnecessary. Just be present and act. The act doesn't have to be perfect or even close to it. It just has to be done to the best of your ability in the moment. I had no regrets when my father passed. I was there for him in spirit always and in body when my travels and the demands of my business and my own family didn't require me to be away. I focused my attention on him and my activities on him when I could be with him. There were days when I felt I hadn't done my best at either of those because of all the things that seemed to be tugging for my attention and time. But he never saw what was going on inside my head. All he saw was that I was there and as far as he could see was totally connected. I had no guilt when he died and absolutely no regret. It was a good set of feelings not to have. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will spend time doing what needs to be done and no time regretting anything. Post Comments

Happy are those whose purpose has found them, Anonymous

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:37:13 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor I discovered something in caring for my father during his illness and death will Alzheimer's....that I had a capacity to care for someone in a way I never expected. It wasn't this lightening bolt awareness but something that occurred over time. The visitations that in the beginning had a combination of both urgency and irritation to them gradually became transformed over time to ones whose driving forces were devotion and duty. When you combine devotion and duty over a long period of time love is a natural result. What I became over time was, in the words of C.S. Lewis, "surprised by joy". I had always been aware of the great passion I had as a lawyer and adviser on the part of my clients over the years but I had never quite been able to put my finger on the source code of the satisfaction that I felt when doing something that they needed or something they they simply asked me to do. What I know now that I didn't know then was that looking out for people, watching over them, caring for them had been what always gave me the greatest energy. Law, and later, being a financial adviser, were simply the distribution channels for that. There is a passion that comes with purpose that is an immediate source of connection with people who have also discovered it for themselves. They radiate a certain energy where the normal irritations and disappointment that come with life have a way of sliding off of them much like rain from a well constructed tent. Even though the big winds of tragedy and misfortune may blow for them like other people, they quickly right their tent and go on about the project at hand. Purpose is the fuel that provides the energy and creates the glow of happiness. The love that we have for what we are doing and the one we are doing for creates a strand of connection whose links are simply unbreakable weavings of happiness. Love is a light that shines from heart to heart and happiness is it's projector. RESOLVE that as a care giver your happiness will come from your own awareness of the purpose in your caring. Post Comments

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, F.Roosevelt

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:37:13 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor Until you learn to manage your schedule and the one you are caring for, the early days of care giving are filled with anxieties about nearly everything. The sudden awareness of being responsible for someone else can be a great reducer of personal confidence. It's easy to scare yourself with all sorts of made up things about what could or might happen and how you won't be ready for them. The fact of the matter is that you have been handling unexpected things all of your life and this care giving situation is no different. When Roosevelt took office as President the country was mired in the worst economic disaster of it's history. Unemployment was at an all time high. People's homes were being repossessed and sold. There were long lines for everything from bread to gasoline and no money to pay for either. The President knew that his job was to see past the moment and to not only imagine a better future but inspire the country to see it as well. In order to do that he had to confront the many fears that Americans were having, justified or not. In a brilliant piece of rhetoric he simply told the American people that the only thing they had to really fear was fear itself. Fear paralyzes us. It makes us timid and hesitant. It destroys our confidence. It makes us do awkwardly what we know how to do easily. It is the great disenabler. It's purpose is to negate your past, immobilize your present, and destroy your future. The moment it comes it has clothing and supplies for a long stay. Action is the cure for fear. Action brings about the feelings of confidence and progress. No matter what the situation..expected....or unexpected....action allows you to seize the moment or transform the situation from one that doesn't work into one that does or one that does work into something better. A plan of action or a response of action in any situation keeps fear locked in the spare room. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will acknowledge the fear that you have in a new situation avoid indulging it by taking the action that is required of you. Post Comments

Always make your cooperation greater than your status, Dan Sullivan

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:37:13 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor One of the things I noticed when I was visiting my father in his care center was how the other people treated the care givers in the facility. Many of the grown children who were there with their folks looked down or through or past the care givers as if they didn't exist. It was almost as if they had a different status or class than the ones giving the care to mom and dad. Since many of the care givers were of foreign descent or minority status, the effect.... for anyone who paid attention, was to further marginalize them. Care givers in facilties (and anywhere else) do work all day long that most people could not do for 20 minutes. They get people up in the morning who don't want to get up. They dress and groom folks who could literally be in their pajamas all day. They feed, water, and nurture humans who don't have a chance to grow but need tending to anyway. They do really tough things for little pay and even less appreciation. I made it a point to know the folks who were taking care of my dad. I asked their names, about their families, what they liked about their jobs, and how I, as a family member, could help them. I went and served breakfast and helped clean up the dining room on the weekend where my father lived. I picked up food off the floor when residents threw it or dropped it. I knew when one of them was having trouble with their children or a spouse. As a result of our mutual efforts to connect we all became sort a community for the time my father was there. It wasn't them and me. It was just us working together in the same place for the same person...my dad. RESOLVE as a care giver helping a care giver that you will contribute and cooperate more than you command and complain. Post Comments

Resolve to perform what you ought, perform without fail what you resolve, Benjamin Franklin

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:37:13 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor Care giving is a little like the experience of falling in love: lots of adrenaline, illusion, seeing past faults, and a total underestimating of how much work is really going to be involved over the long run. In the early days of care giving for a parent or loved one you almost run on complete nervous energy as you try to balance all of the things that need to be done. Enthusiasm for the task is great for the initial work but it takes something more substantiative as your go along. The very practice of resolution,that is, deciding that you are going to do a thing no matter what, is one of the abilities that has to be brought to the table in care giving over the long run. It is in the resolution of what you have to do and must do that you find the strength and energy to continue. Resolution is it's own strength and the more you resolve and then accomplish what you resolve, the more confidence you have. You can resolve any number of things in care giving but here are some important ones. Resolve that you will plan what it is that you need to do and execute that plan to the best of your ability. Resolve that you will go about your work cheerfully and with a glad heart when everything is working against that reality. Resolve that you will take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, as you care for another. Resolve that you will look at each day for what it is and neither extrapolate disaster nor compound exuberance. Resolve that you will ask for help when you need it and be appreciative when it comes. Resolve that you will be grateful for each and every situation that comes your way and for your ability to handle it. It is in the resolving that a thing sets it's foundations for accomplishment. History and life are replete with examples of how nothing but sheer will has accomplished what needed to be accomplished. Nothing can defeat a soul who will stake even it's existence on the outcome of it's resolution. Make it easy by your resolution for all the forces of the Universe to help you and for none of them to have a chance at defeating you. RESOLVE as a care giver that your resolution is it's own strength. Post Comments

Don't stretch yourself longer than your blanket, Folk Saying

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:24:44 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor There's something about being a care giver that triggers an unusual response towards the demands that are suddenly placed upon us. We immediately throw all our learning about moderation, fatigue, rest and relaxation out the window and adopt both a routine and work ethic that makes burning a candle at both ends seem perfectly logical. As a result we end up in a situation where normal tasks soon morph into problems which morph into crisis. It is important as a care giver to realize that you've taken on the management responsibility for another's life. The person you are now caring for is looking to you to make sure that all the things they once did for themselves are now being done for them. So, all of a sudden you have not only your life but theirs to manage. The natural human tendency is to overreach and over compensate. We do this out of a weird combination of desire, anger, fear, and guilt. The end result if we are not careful is that we are the ones who end up being the ones needing the care. Care giving is an expedition not a race. Like any well planned expedition over a long period of time and arduous territory it is important to plan and pace yourself. Both your energy, the food, and water have to last until you can replenish them. Plan correctly and you can cross a thousand deserts. Drink too much too quickly and your water is gone as well as your life. Do what needs to be done and what you can do and be at peace with that. There are only about half a dozen things in any endeavor that make any impact and care giving is one of those endeavors.. Being on time, living up to your word, finishing what you start, and being kind, get you about 80 there. Fixing breakfast, giving baths, stopping to talk, fluffing pillows all put you across the top. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will manage yourself and your resources to finish the care giving expedition. Post Comments

Man is a universe in little

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:11:33 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Man is a universe in little" Democritus One of the things that care giving and being cared for does is to narrow your focus and attention. In care giving there are some things that just have to be done everyday: baths, breakfast, medicines, new sheets and pillow cases, water by the bedside. The field of view in care giving for the care giver is pretty much limited to about twenty four inches on either side of the one you are caring for. It is in this narrow focus and centered attention on the one that's in need that there lies something miraculous to observe. Human beings are a little universe of complex interacting systems. We grow hair and muscle and old just like we were farmers. We have a waste disposal system that most municipalities would pay billions to be able to efficiently duplicate. Our ability to see..to take light reflections, reverse them as images and translate them into connection points for our brain and mouth to collaborate with is found at varying species levels on the planet but none at the level we humans operate. The ability to ambulate, to move at varying speeds, to coordinate hand and eye movement is a mechanical engineers dream. The magnificently evolved brain abilities of speech, language, thought, emotion, rival the celestial complexity of the universe itself. It is easy to view the one you are caring for as a system in seemingly perpetual decay and significance. A human, in their final hours, has more latent complexity and potential for renewal, evolution and transformation than does the most sophisticated computer at it's moment of creation. We dismiss this state of being because we, like astronomers are focusing on the star that is imploding and not the galaxy that surrounds it. We see the planet and miss the universe. RESOLVE that you will never cease to marvel at the complex universe that you are caring for. Post Comments

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:11:33 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think" Emerson As a family member once you start assuming the role of care giver you all of a sudden may find yourself being second guessed on your actions by other family members who are not there and perhaps not that interested...except in second guessing your actions and motives. The easiest thing in the world is to review on Monday a game that was played on Saturday with the benefit of hindsight and a 20,000 foot perspective. Everyone becomes the star player or winning coach in Monday's game. One of the ways to avoid going crazy with all this opinioning and second guessing is simply to treat those comments for what they are: casual observations made without the benefit of participation or consequence. As a care giver you are called upon to do tough things in real time without the benefit of excess amounts of time for reflection or the consideration of all the alternatives. A medicine needs to be changed, a doctor needs to be seen unexpectantly, a house keeper doesn't show up, the washing machine breaks, a bed is soiled while you are out. The standard of care here that is often thrust upon you by outside observers is not one of the prudent person but one of perfect person. That is, what would a perfect care giver do? In an ideal situation a perfect care giver would do things, well, ....perfectly. The challenge here is that there are very few ideal situations and almost no perfect people. Just do your work..honestly, intently, deliberately, with the best judgment, wisdom, and insight you have about the moment and in the moment. Your best, not someone else's idea of your best, is all that's required. RESOLVE that you will not let the perfect thoughts of others distract you from the progress you make each day with with the one you are caring for. Post Comments

Do the best you can in the place where you are and be kind

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:11:33 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Do the best you can in the place where you are and be kind" Scott Nearing There are days in care giving where the combination of fate, time and circumstance in other parts of our lives bleed over into our acts and attitudes we bring to the one we are caring for. It's hard to do your best or be your best on days when you don't exactly feel the best. If we were avatars instead of humans we could by pass this experience and just go straight to doing our best and being kind in the process. Because we are human and not some android like creatures we are always questioning whether we are doing, did, or even attempted to do our best. Whether we exhibited kindness is an afterthought if one at all. Doing you best can be an impossible standard to meet if you don't know how to assess your progress each day. The very term "best" has an aroma of perfection about. The aroma turns often into an odor when we don't think we've met the standards we set out to do. That sets of a spiral of cynicisms, despair and depression that creates a whole other set of problems than simply not doing your best. Add to that the fact that you weren't leaping about while you weren't doing your best and you have a face in the mirror that "loser" is written all over. Here's what to do according to my friend and mentor, Dan Sullivan (www.strategiccoach.com especially the cd called 'The Gap' ) you should do: Focus on progress and not perfection. Perfection is like trying to reach the horizon. The horizon is his imaginary construct that exists in our brains to help us identity the place where sky and land meet. No matter how hard or fast we run, even if we can see it, it is still elusive. When we get to where we thought it was, it moves to somewhere else. Progress is a much easier and rewarding thing to measure: Where did I start from...where did I end up...and how does that reflect on my effort and energy. I've seen very few perfect things in life. Maybe my Labrador Roxanne when the sun is shining on her as she's lying on our deck. My daughter in her first prom dress. The sun in the canyons of Sedona early in the morning. I've not met any perfect people. I have however met lots of miserable people holding themselves to the standards of perfection. Contentment for those people,.much less kindness is impossible to attain. You can only be kind to others when you can be kind to yourself. RESOLVE that you will focus on progress not perfection and be kind to yourself and others while you are doing it. Post Comments

Winning is important to me, but what brings me real joy is the experience of being full engaged with what I'm doing.

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:11:33 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Winning is important to me, but what brings me real joy is the experience of being full engaged with what I'm doing." Phil Jackson There's an interesting little trap you can fall into as a care giver if you are not cautious. The trap is that you begin to engage the illness of the one you are caring for as if it were an opponent in some kind of match. You great each day as if it were a contest between you and what's taking the life of the one you are caring for. It's a great strategy for taking away the despair that comes with inevitable decline but it's not a good strategy for being in the moment with the experience. The competitiveness fueled by anger and rage at the thing you direct it at provides at least temporarily, both energy and anesthesia. Joy is a more empowering and longer lasting emotion than anger and rage or for that matter, competitiveness. Anger is like a lightening strike and competitiveness is the thunderstorm. All things of such intensity eventually burn themselves out. It is joy that creates the sunshine after the storm and it is the sunshine that long term gives us energy to grow, light, and warmth. My Buddhist friends are always talking about being "in the moment". It is "in the moment" they say that the real experience of joy is to be found. I think that being in that moment in care giving allows the joy to be experienced more fully. When we are in the moment with the one we are caring for there is no room for thought about the past which leads to thoughts of regret. There is no room to extrapolate decline to the future which leads to the competitiveness with the illness. There is only here and now and what's going on in this moment. I learned to be in the moment with my father and Alzheimers. The moment was all we had each time. The disease had robbed him of the past, often before I had left the room, and it took away his ability to see the future. So, what we had was then, and there, and the now of the time we were together. It let me learn to focus and pay attention and find the joy in the moment. It was a good lesson. RESOLVE that you will find joy in the experience no matter what the outcome with the one you are caring for. Post Comments

Death cannot kill what never dies

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:01:44 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Death cannot kill what never dies" William Penn One of the challenges of care giving is to not indulge the reality of the continued decline of the person you are caring for. It is important to acknowledge the physical and intellectional transformations that are occurring but it is equally important not to be consumed by them. Care giving often feels like an eternal wake where the service will never be over. Part of that experience is because we allow our focus to be directed to what is being lost instead of what is being retained. I think the essence of a person is no more apparent than when they are ill. We are the same person sick as we are well. Sick just strips away the costume. The way we endure pain, we way we tolerate our own suffering and the suffering of others is no more apparent than when we ourselves fall ill. The same is true of care givers. We are the same type of person we are as a care giver. All care giving does is make those characteristics more transparent. The better strategy here as a care giver is not to focus on what is dying but instead of what will always survive. Whether you are caring for a parent, another loved one, or a complete stranger, there is an absolute plethora of things that will survive the illness: stories, experiences, knowledge, memories, accomplishments, trials, triumphs, tribulations, etc. All these things have an immortality about them especially stories. If we are, according to Erickson, what survives us, then there are things that are destined to live forever: our contributions, our conversations, our collaborations with our fellow humans. All people, especially parents, want to know that they mattered. They want to know that their entire experience on this planet was not just one long exercise in waiting. As a care giver if you can help them see the way they mattered then illness and death are not ends. They are just transitions to another state of mattering. RESOLVE that you will help the one you are caring for see the thing that is immortal about them. Post Comments

We receive but what we give

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:01:44 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "We receive but what we give" Samuel Taylor Coleridge It's easy to think of the care giving role as simply one of continuous output. You just keep doing and giving and meeting needs and get nothing back in return. Or, at least it feels like that sometimes. Part of the feeling comes from an subtle expectation that we should be getting something back in the form of appreciation and recognition for all the time, energy, and money we are expending. When the reciprocity doesn't happen we are often disappointed and discouraged but still have to continue doing. Giving starts the receiving process. The formula is really fairly simple: Whatever it is that you would want to receive start giving that thing away. If it's patience..give patience. If it's love...give love. If it's attention...give attention. There is a law of reciprocity at work here that transcends the normal laws of physics which say that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Giving negates that rule because when you give you set in motion a form of energy that is more like an alternating current than a direct one.. What can you give to parents or the one you are taking care of that you would like to receive? Another way to ask the questions is: What would I like more of in my life? Normal people would say they want more of everything that feels good: love, patience, kindness, joy, appreciation, recognition, praise, attention, thoughtfulness, etc. None of those things in small or big doses coming back to us would go unnoticed. Giving acts both as an energizer and an insulator. It energizes you because it makes you an actor and not a member of the audience. You are no longer a passive creature waiting for things to happen. You are "happening" to the world with your gifts. Giving insulates you against cynicism and despair because both those feelings come from an expectation of entitlement about something you believe you should've received because of who you are or what you are doing. Giving responds to the law in physics that says "Nature abhors a vacuum". Nature is pretty smart. It has figured out that it is easier to duplicate than to innovate. Simply, what you give out comes back. RESOLVE that you will give the things you want to receive in your care giving role. Post Comments

If I can ease one Life the Aching or cool one Pain

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:01:44 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "If I can ease one Life the Aching or cool one Pain" Emily Dickinson I developed a habit of going to my father's care center every Saturday and Sunday morning and helping serve breakfast to he and the other members of the Alzheimer's unit. I would help set the tables and pour the water and get the residents seated. Then, I would set the breakfast meal at their respective places. Depending on the stage at which a resident was with the disease it was easier for some to eat breakfast than others. One wonders how it could be possible to forget how to butter toast but it's one of the many subtle cruelties the disease has in its repertoire. The mental incapacity is eventually accompanied by a physical inability that makes even the attempt to walk an exercise in personal sadism. Eventually as the disease progresses the loss of memory seems something to celebrate in relation to what is is eventually lost. When you visit often it is easy to learn to read the frustration and see the pain with those desperately trying not to lose the grasp of even the most simple things. As Care Givers it is easy to wish each task to be one of hyperbole. The fact of the matter is that much of care giving is routine, ordinary, and mind numbingly predictable. Because we experience the things we do in that manner we project the routineness, ordinariness, and insignificance we feel in doing those things onto the one receiving the benefit. We minimize our own actions and efforts when we do this and disregard the discomfort we relieve from others by doing the simplest of things. Mother Theresa was once asked how she could work each day in the abject poverty and squalor of the slums of Calcutta. The innuendo was that with such an endless ocean of misery and despair how could one person make even a dent in the suffering. She paused before she answered, imagining I suspect, the blindness of the interviewer. She replied with an answer that was a clear as it was kind to the one who had asked the question: "Why, I just give the person next to me a drink of water." RESOLVE that as a Care Giver that you will look for the opportunities to do the small things that relieve the pain of the one you are caring for. Post Comments

Youth is not a time of life-it is a state of mind

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:59:05 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Youth is not a time of life-it is a state of mind" Anonymous It is too easy as we grow old to let our minds grow old with us. Our bodies become more rigid and our thinking follows along with it. The window that used to let the sun in each day as we were young now only has long shadows that come through it no matter what the time of day. Part of that is we let what is aging in our bodies age our mind as well. As a care giver it is important that you bring a young state of mind to each day of the care giving experience if possible. That state of mind is as important to you as it is to the one you are caring for. Too much of care giving can be just a maintenance set of activities. It's almost as if both you and the one being cared for share a philosophy of resignation and reflection instead of one of inspiration and innovation. Each and every person has a future as long as they are here. It's better to look at that future with a young state of mind than an older one. There are new things to learn, discover, talk about, see, and experience no matter what stage or condition of life. Absent mentally devastating diseases like Alzheimer's, our ability to experience the world is at least 50 the way we view it and 50 the way we choose to experience it. Youth has an unflappability and indomitableness about it. It's only as we age that we realize that those characteristics were driven more by our mental attitude than our physical capabilities. Being young is not an exclusive club for just the twenty or thirty crowd. It is a mental franchise we can keep through all of our life. As a care giver try to bring a youth ful state of mind to the tasks you are doing. See the world with a fresh face each day because each day has a fresh face. Sunlight is relatively the same all day long. It just seems brightest in the morning because it is juxtaposed against the ending night. Each day of care giving has its own night. It also has its own morning. RESOLVE that you will to the best of your ability bring a youth state of mind to yourself in your care giving and to the one you are caring for. Post Your Comment

Nothing is impossible to a willing heart

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:59:05 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Nothing is impossible to a willing heart" John Heywood Care giving begins with an act of love. It ends with an act of love. In the long middle it is just pure will. It is will that allows you to do the things that are necessary in the care giving process. It is will that allows you to do the mundane and the miraculous with the same demeanor. It is will that insulates you from the daily assaults on energy and spirit that long term care giving can create. It is will that makes you ultimately victorious in your care giving efforts. If will is the engine then passion is the fuel. It is passion that allows you to continue when your heart and mind tell you to quit. It is passion that lets you to do the one thing as well as the dozens of things that need to be done. It is passion that lets you look past the moment to see the movement. It is passion that ultimately carries you and the one being cared for home. The philosopher Goethe wrote: "Of this one thing I am sure...nothing is accomplished without passion". In care giving you can rest comfortably in the truth of that statement because there are days when will fueled by the passion is all you bring to the day. But what you bring with passion is more than enough. Whether you are caring for a parent as a child or caring for a patient as a professional, passion puts a different face on the one you are looking after. It is interesting that the word "Compassion" means literally "with passion". Passion is love's energy. Compassion means simply 'with love'. RESOLVE that you will view the impossible as the possible by focusing your will through the lens of compassion. Post Your Comment

Speak the truth but ride a fast horse

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:51:51 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Speak the truth but ride a fast horse." West Texas Saying My friend Dan Sullivan (www.strategiccoach.com) says that "All progress begins with the truth." In care giving the truth has to come out in many areas before progress can be made...with families and the one being care for. It's easy when you start taking care of your parents to ignore the evidence of little truths each day that contradict what deep inside you know to be a different story. There are a lot of truths that have to be dealt with before any continued progress can be made with the one being cared for. Here are just a few: 1. The truth about what care will be required now and in the future. 2. The truth about how much money there is and how long it will last. 3. The truth about who is going to do what and when with the care giving responsibilities. 4. The truth about who is really in charge and who isn't. 5. The truth about who is helping and who isn't. 6. The truth about whether they will be able to live alone much longer. 7. The truth about long you can do this before you and your resources give out. 8. The truth about where they may have to go and all the options 9. The truth about what other family members want to have happen. 10. The truth about how you are handling all this good or bad. I like the truth in most situations especially when it's not my truth I have to face. Other people's truth is a much easier pill to deliver. But it's in dealing with my truth, whatever it is, that I make the most progress and gain the most awareness. The truth indeed sets you free. It just makes you take a cold shower before you go. RESOLVE, that you will always look for the truth in the situation with the one being care for and with the ones providing the care. Post Your Comment

The Unsaid Part is The Best of Every Discourse

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:51:51 GMT

Post by Dan Taylor "The Unsaid Part is The Best of Every Discourse." Emerson In the early days of my fathers Alzheimers he would often tell me the same story two or three times in the course of a long visit. He would tell it with the same enthusiasm the third time as he did the first. I would pretend to listen the third time with the same enthusiasm as the first. It was a system that worked well for both of us. As the disease progressed and the word salad that characterizes it started to appear more and more often it became increasingly difficult to understand what he meant and to both be patient and not patronizing at the same time. The only thing more frustrating than me trying to understand an utterance of words that made no sense when strung together must have been his frustration in trying to put them together in the first place. Over time I discovered with him that we have many capabilities to communicate what we feel without using the spoken word. A smile, a touch, a gesture or an act that communicates both caring, love, and being present are often more powerful than the most eloquent words. As he lost the use of language I came to rely on touch and look as the primary way of communicating. I would rub his shoulders for him, or roll his sleeves up and put lotion on his hands and arms to relieve the dryness that comes from being inside all the time. I would put my arm around his waist as we walked down the hallway together and steady him as he got up from the table. I would make sure I looked into his eyes as he was trying to talk. There is such humility that comes with caring for someone. Whether I was washing his face before breakfast or helping him get ready for bed at night I became aware of how much our tone and our touch and our look communicate what we are really feeling. I understood over time how an infant without the ability to speak understands everything that a parent says about their love in the way that they care for them. My hope is that my father felt in those last days the same love I felt in my early days with him when I couldnt speak. In the days before he passed ... Post Your Comment

Authentic values are those by which a life can be lived

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:51:51 GMT

Post by Dan Taylor "Authentic values are those by which a life can be lived" Allan Bloom Perhaps the oldest philosophical and spiritual struggles in the world are over the contradiction between words and deeds in our lives. We profess to have one set of principles in our lives but act as in there is a different set. Part of that is as humans we have a sort of built in implementation delay between our impulses and our actions. In some cases that delay just causes us to pause and think. In other cases it acts as a sort of switch that sends a noble impulse off to the wrong action track. We aren't bad people when that happens...just humans with some more progress to make and fine tuning to implement. The real values in our life like courage, duty, commitment, loyalty, persistence, patience and a host of others too numerous to mention but still desirable, show up in the way we care for the ones we are responsible for...especially our parents. The fragility and strength of family relationships is never more tested than when a parent finds themselves in need of help. It is in those moments that we see the true integration between what our siblings profess guides their lives and what truly does. As an only child caring for a parent the confrontation comes much earlier. All the great teachers, philosophical or spiritual, have talked over the centuries about the connection between what we say and what we do as a true indicator of our progress toward a higher level of awareness. The truth behind our actions is simply this: Tell me how you think and I can tell you what you believe. Let me see what you do however, and I will understand who you really are. The circumstances of care giving don't make our values they simply reveal them. I have thought more than once that I should really live up to the stature of the person my dogs believe me to be. It's apparent that the same desire should apply to the way our parents view us as we care for them. RESOLVE that the connection between your values and your actions, your words and your deeds, become seamless as you go about your care giving. Post Your Comment

The way of love is unity manifested as service

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:51:51 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "The way of love is unity manifested as service." N. Sri Ram It is easy over time to become disconnected from the one we are caring for. The infinity of the small things and the irritability of the predictibleness of things that must be done over time create a veneer of detachment that insulate us from the crushing boredom of the task. It is not the tasks that create the detachment with the one we are caring for but the attitude that we apply to the tasks. Each act of care giving either builds a connection or diminishes one. We can become over time without the attitude of service like statues without hearts...just stones without meaning. The daily tasks of fixing meals, sweeping floors, tidying up, or doing laundry, all create connections with the we one we are caring for whether we realize it or not. It is not in the task that we find the connection and meaning but in the spirit that we bring to the tasks. Each act, each thing done, are all opportunities to deepen the connection...the unity...with the one we are caring for. If it is true as the philosopher Ericson said "That we are what survives us", it is also true that we are in part what we do each day that contributes to what survives us. It is easy to indulge the idea of the insignificance of every day things in creating the foundation of the house in which unity lives. Each task, no matter how large or small, creates an opportunity for maintaining the connection and the unity with the one we are caring for. Each act of service is an act of contribution. Each act of contribution is a gift. Each gift is a form of appreciation. Each moment of appreciation is a conduit for connection. Service is the power cord through which love's energy is transmitted. RESOLVE that each act, no matter how insignificant creates an opportunity for presence and the deepening of connection and unity with the one you are caring for. Post Your Comment

Rest in the thought that you've done your best even when you didn't think you did

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:42:47 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor Care giving is made up on hundreds of second guessing yourself opportunities...especially as the one you are caring for becomes more frail and dependent. As a care giver, especially a care giver of an ailing parent, it's easy to fall prey to thinking that if you had done more, done it sooner, done it better, that maybe something would've turned out differently. The end result of that type of thinking is a constant sort of low level of anxiety that creates an ever present sense of discontent. The fact of the matter is that caring for a parent is not unlike caring for a child as it grows and matures. In retrospect, everyone would've done a few things differently and some not at all. The reality is that for the most part, every parent does the best they can in the moment with what they have. The difference in a retrospective view of what went on and a present experience of what is really happening is that in the present there are lots of variables that affect the way we think and behave. We are tired in the present. We are distracted in the present. We are forced to choose between various things pulling for all of our resources including the one we are caring for. It is only in looking back that we have the luxury of calmness and perspective. Do the best you can in the moment. Be as present as you can, as caring as you can, as attentive as you can. Keep your irritation at bay and let your graciousness roam free. Be grateful in cupfuls and complaining in teaspoons. Be aware that in care giving you have moved from being a participant in the audience of your parent's life to a actor on stage. The requirements and perspective are totally different. RESOLVE to do the best you can each day with what you have and who you are. Remember that you did just that as you look back and reflect on what happened. Post Your Comment

No sacrifice is worth the name unless it is a joy

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:42:47 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "No sacrifice is worth the name unless it is a joy. Sacrifice and a long face go ill together." Gandhi The greatest danger in care giving is to slip into the long suit of sacrifice and make it your uniform of the day. The greatest opportunity is to put on joy's cape and wear it in both fair and foul times. Sacrifice is the heavy chain that you bring with you as you contemplate that which is before you or ahead of you in care giving. Joy is the key that unlocks it from your ankles. What a new face joy puts on everything. One doesn't have to be giddy but one does need to be pleasantly expectant. The task is the task in care giving...it is your focus that makes it pleasant or unpleasant. Joy is the antidote to dread and anxiety in care giving situations. The stress is there. The unpleasantness is there. The duty is there. Joy gives all those things a different perspective. Joy is to care giving what an umbrella is to rain. An umbrella protects you from the elements but still allows you to breathe the freshness that comes from rain's cleansing. Without the umbrella rain is just clothes getting wet. With the umbrella it's an experience in renewal. The joy in which you approach the care giving task is actually the energy that allows you to transform yourself and the one you are caring for. Joy has as it's second cousins patience and pleasantness..both of which are more beneficial for the giver than the receiver. The difference between joyousness and stoicness in care giving is that stoicness numbs you while joyousness transforms you. RESOLVE that you will, to the best of your ability, find the joy in the care giving situation you find yourself in and to wear that joy for others to see. Post Your Comment

The shortest answer to the question of 'What Can I do?' is simply to do.

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 12:41:28 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor The shortest answer to the question of 'What Can I do?' is simply to do. George Hember There are three phrases that a care giver often hears from other family members when a parent is in need of care: "Call me if you need me", "Let me know what I can do", or "Tell me what you need." Though well meaning and well intentioned when uttered these phrases have a hollowness behind them that masks the transparency of lack of awareness and attention. True, there are some family members that need direction and guidance before they can do anything because that's how they operate in other areas of their lives besides taking care of a parent. Other family members use the phrases above as a faux contribution to the many tasks involved in care giving to either ease their conscious about really doing nothing or to provide an affirmative defense in case they are asked why they didn't help: "Well, I told you to ask me if you needed anything." Care giving is the most demanding full time/part time job on the planet. Once a parent is in need of daily attention there are dozens of things that require attention: paying bills, getting groceries, fixing meals, doing laundry, trips to the doctor, refills of prescriptions, house cleaning, auto maintenance, house and lawn vigilance, daily hygiene, etc. A care giver either has to do all of those things or ensure that they get done on behalf of the one being cared for. As a family member it is important that you provide both support and relief to the family member that is taking the primary care giving role. The psychological responsibility that accumulates over time for a care giver is a huge one and it begins, over time, to take its toll on the one providing the care. Add that effect to the sheer physical energy required to live and manage a life in addition to your own and you have a prescription for exhaustion and depression on the part of the primary care giver. RESOLVE that you will see what needs to be done and act on it to support the one that is providing the care. Families are places where people learn to share and care. You should act without request in sharing the responsibilities and caring for the parent all of you shared. Post Your Comment

Let the past as nothing be

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 13:04:03 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Let the past as nothing be" Abraham Lincoln It's easy as children, especially care giver children, to start thinking about the past when you are taking care of your parents. The tendency is to try to use the care giving days as sort of a reconciliation or, as my carpenter friends would say-'truing up', to set things right in your own mind about what worked or what didn't work in your relationship with your parents. My experience has been that if your life with your parents has been half way decent, care giving is no more than a minor irritation on some days and a blessing on others. If you haven't had and don't now have a great relationship with your folks then care giving becomes what my friend Dan Sullivan calls a "mess"-an obligation without a commitment. For all the psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists in the world, there's no solid proof that reworking and analyzing your past makes your future any better much less the present. Analyzing the past is a great business for the therapy community but my sense is that it's a swamp for you to avoid. The past is the past...just forget it. You weren't that aware of it happening when it was the present and you certainly can't recall with enough detail the myriad of facts and circumstances that made it what it was much less redesign them to have it make sense. The past with parents is just that...the past. It was what happened. 'Why' it happened is perhaps one of the most useless questions on the planet. Even if you know "why' you still have to deal with the'what", that is. WHAT are you going to do now. Pick a reason for the past happening the way it did and then move on. If you want to save lots of family therapy money and even more energy just use the reason I use all the time: Because. RESOLVE that you will only be in the present with your parents from this point on if you are taking care of them. Post Your Comments

All decomposition is recomposition

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "All decomposition is recomposition." Emerson It is easy as a caregiver to look at the life of the one that you are caring for as a system that is in a gradual and consistent state of decline. With that perspective comes a sense of futility that disguises the real nature of what is happening. Nature, according to Emerson, has no unemployed forces within it. Everything is used for a continual and consistent purpose. The tree that provides oxygen for the planet through its leaves loses them at one time or another. The leaves even on the ground become a source of transformation for the creatures that live there. Their very nature in a state of decline provides food and shelter for the creatures that inhabit the forest floor. At the very final stage of microscopic decay they rejoin nature's system at the most minute level of reconstitution. They become in their final stages part of the creature that consumes them. What we as humans have that can be reconstituted is our wisdom and experience. Those things can be found in the stories of our life. The things we did that had great success...the things that we attempted that didn't work out exactly as we had hoped or planned....the places we've been and the things we've seen...are all sources of things to be reconstituted for the one who chooses to use them. It is in our stories that the greatest material for reconstitution lies. As a care giver it is too easy to fall prey to the tendency to turn the one being cared for into an object: something to be cleaned, dusted, and repositioned so that they and their audience have a better view of their decline. It is not wonder that older people feel a sense of detachment as they age. Stories take the content of life and move it from the specimen jar to the petting zoo. It is in the stories that nature provides the stuff of reconstitution. RESOLVE as a caregiver that you will focus more on what can be reconstituted and transferred than what is declining in the one you are caring for. Post Your Comments

Perpetual Optimism is a force multiplier

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Perpetual Optimism is a force multiplier." Colin Powell Caring for someone day in and day out exposes one to the extremes of both optimism and pessimism. It's easy to extrapolate the feeling of the moment creating in ourselves a straight line extrapolation of whatever that feeling may be. The danger here is that neither of the extremes is true in terms of consistency. There will be good days and bad days in care giving for both the care giver and the one being cared for. The trick is not to be seduced by the illusion of either emotion as long term experiences. Disappointment doesn't last forever but neither does ecstasy. Optimism is a combination of hope and belief that allows you as a care giver to transform the despairing moments and relish the good ones. Optimism is purely and simply hope that the situation, whatever it is at the moment will change for the better. It is based on a belief that that things change over time and are dynamic instead of static. While we can't necessarily bring about the things that cause the events in our lives to change we can be in complete control of the emotional state that allows us to wait until they do. Optimism puts a different face on things and focuses attention in a different way. The strategy here is not to be leaping about in a sort of giddy and light headed exuberance but rather to have the sense of anticipation that just around the corner things may change slightly. Without the hope that optimism brings we fall prey to the context and circumstances of the moment. If cynicism is the night then optimism is the dawn. Each dawn brings a new set of reasons to be optimistic. The real benefit of optimism is not the effect on the actual situation but the effect it has on you no matter what the situation. RESOLVE that you will retain your optimism about the care giving situation you find yourself in no matter what the daily circumstances. Post Your Comments

The first of all earthly blessings is independence

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "The first of all earthly blessings is independence" - Edward Gibbons Imagine a world where each day your freedom and independence were becoming more and more limited and restricted. The body that once took you places with ease and barely a thought now requires massive effort and concentration just to move across the room. The automobile that you piloted effortlessly now sits in the driveway with the keys no where to be found. The friends you rang up so impulsively to meet for coffee or a round of golf are no where to be found and even if they were, you cant go meet them on your own. One of the things that changes as you age is that freedom and independence get slowly and gradually taken away. Some of that is for your own good. Some of it is simply because an older persons freedom is someone elses anxiety. Its easier to restrict than it is to expand and now where is it more true than with independence and freedom. As a care giver its easy to experience the same loss. As the newness of care giving gives way to sameness and predictability its easy to gradually give up more and more psychological and physical freedom to the responsibilities of care giving. What was once an after thought becomes now a prevalent one in terms of continuous responsibility and accountability for the one you are caring for. One morning you wake up and realize that you are a prisoner in a jail that you built. The goal of aging and the goal of care giving are really the same. Its to continually protect and expand if possible your freedom and autonomy and the same for the one you are caring for. As a care giver you expand your freedom and independence by asking for help, hiring the help, or demanding some help from those around you who are able to provide that help. The more you can delegate the more your freedom expands. RESOLVE that you will act in ways as a care giver that maintain and if possible, increase your freedom and independence. Post Your Comments

The greatest gift is that of attention

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "The greatest gift is that of attention..." - Buddhist Meditation One of the things you notice about getting older is that it seems like no one pays attention to you anymore. Whether it's the merchants at the mall or the neighbors with the new child down the street, it's as if everyone looks over you, through you, or by you on the way to something more important - and younger. There's the perfunctory merchandise in the mall - a sort of collection of the worst Mother's Day and Father's day gifts carried forward for years. In the neighborhood you become known as the "old couple on the corner." Wonderful strategies for a lifetime of achievement. That's why paying attention to people when you are with them is so important. Be present when you are caring for people. Sometimes being present is the last thing that you want to do with someone you are taking care of...mentally or physically. But it is in being present that the moment and the person become yours. When you are caring for someone pay attention to the little things: the look in their eye, the way they've buttoned their shirt, the magazine or book they are reading, the snack left on the table. All of these to a person skilled at paying attention send a message just like a telegram or e-mail about what's going on. When you ask a question, wait patiently for the answer. Older people think conceptually the more they age and not in so much detail. Pay attention while they formulate the answer. If it's the 17th time you've been told the same story, see if there's a nuance you've not picked up on before. My father used to tell the same story each time as if it were the first time he had told it. My lesson in all of that was to listen as if it were the first time I had heard it. To someone whose memory is only five minutes a story told yesterday is today's new story. RESOLVE to give the one you are caring for the gift of attention in each act of being with them. Post Your Comments

Every act alters the soul of the doer

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Every act alters the soul of the doer." - Oswald Spengler It is easy as a caregiver to dismiss the dozens of things that you do each day as merely perfunctory tasks. Things that have to be done, must be done, and eventually will get done even if you are not the one doing them. It is in the sameness and the predictability of the routine things that we begin to discount their value and their worth. A load of laundry, a kitchen swept clean, a pot of coffee ready in the morning, or a trip to the doctor seem like the minutest of things.unless you cant do them. When you cant do them for yourself they become acts of benevolence on your behalf. You as the beneficiary become the recipient of a gift that you may not have requested but needed and received. At the heart of benevolence is some clairvoyancethe ability to see what needs to be done or happen and then to make it so. As the doer of those acts you actually are both performing and bestowing. You are doing something that needs to be done and bestowing on the receiver the gift of time, energy, and matter. No small gifts in any universe. A huge gift in the universe of someone who is growing older. Because the acts you ;perform are really benevolences you change physically and emotionally from the act of giving. When you give your blood chemistry changes, your mood elevates, and your endorphins kick in. Its why giving feels so good. Every act is a gift. And ever gift deserves your full attention. A cup of water may seem like a trivial act unless youve been in the desert for days without it. The water changes you and it changes the giver. The water also connects each of you to the force that sustains you. RESOLVE that each act will be done with presence and thought and gratitude no matter how many times it is repeated. Post Your Comments

We have nothing to fear but fear itself

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - Franklin Roosevelt When we get the call or understand completely that our parents may be not able to take care of themselves in the future, the overriding immediate emotion is one of simple, horrible, fear. The fear is made up of a thousand things: fear that theres no money, fear that they will deteriorate, or fear that you cant manage this with all the other things in your life. With that fear comes a sort of creeping paralysis that there is nothing you can do, nothing you want to do, and nothing that can be done to deal with this situation. One of the major problems with fear is its falseness. Fear is a kind of self study course in false education based on a skewed perspective of the situation. Its really the stuff that we make up so we cant sleep at night. We conjure up horrible imaginings about the situation based on nothing more than a feeling in our terrified elbow. We take the moment and inflate it with the helium of uncertainty and all of a sudden we lift ourselves off to the thin, cold air of despair. The antidote to fear in the care giving situation is purely and simply ...action. Action is the transformative element that allows you to start moving to regain control of yourself and the situation. What kind of actions can you take when you dont know what kind of actions you should be taking? Well, you can call someone. You can ask someone. You can look up something or read something. You can visit with a care facility. You can talk with your pastor or rabbi or priest. You can take an inventory or medicine in the cabinet. You can ask your parents what they want. You can find bank records and insurance policies and health records. You can do anything or nothing. Doing nothing guarantees that you will be scared. Doing something guarantees you will be in control. RESOLVE to act instead of fearing. Post Your Comments

Always make your enjoyment greater than your effort

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Always make your enjoyment greater than your effort" Dan Sullivan My friend Dan Sullivan, creator and founder of The Strategic Coach Program (www.strategiccoach.com) is a genius when it comes to looking at life from multiple perspectives. In his excellent book, The Laws of LifeTime Growth, Dan outlines ten laws that are essential for learning, growth and progress as a human being. Law number six: " Always make your enjoyment greater than your effort" is a brilliant directive for care givers. It is easy as a care giver to slip from being a member of the care giving experience to a martyr in it. As the care giving drags on and the novel becomes the familiar and routine, the joy of doing something for the one you are caring for can gradually be replaced by dread and resentment. One of the ways to avoid this is to focus on the joy of small things and the honor in doing them regardless of the effort. Care giving is only possible on a long term basis if you maintain a perspective of joy and contribution with the one you are providing the care for. While it may seem impossible to find the joy in fixing breakfast for the 100th time for someone who can't remember they ate it if you can't find the joy in breakfast it's hard to find it in the laundry basket. The key to focusing on joy and not effort is to be engaged in the task at hand. Be present and attentive and focused on what you are doing in the moment. Think for a second of the effect of what you are doing on the one who is receiving it. Breakfast for you might be a huge effort. For the recipient, it's life giving nourishment. Helping someone get showered and dressed may seem like cruel and unusual punishment for you. For the one receiving the assistance, it puts a whole new face on the day. RESOLVE to focus on the joy in the task and not the effort as a care giver. Post Your Comments

Kindness can become its own motive

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Kindness can become its own motive. In this world we are made to be kind by being kind." Eric Hoffer It's easy when you are involved in care giving over a long period of time to lose the delicateness that comes with first encounters and the sensitivity that accompanies those encounters. In the early days of care giving the newness and fear combine to create their own sort of empathy and politeness. As the time and the days wear on and the tasks become much more predicable and the one being cared for becomes more demanding, it is easy to lose the gentle touch and easy way that guided those initial efforts. Kindness as a philosophy of thought and action does more for the doer than the receiver. To use kindness as a philosophy to temper speech and soften touch is to never have to carry a bag of apology or regret. As you act and talk kindly you actually become kinder. Our minds adapt to the behavior that our bodies initiate and create both the feelings and the mindset that is necessary to perpetuate those actions. It is easy to believe that detachment and ritual in the way we care for people protects us from the anger, sadness, or resentment that comes from the huge commitment that has been thrust upon us. The opposite is actually true. The more we try to be objectify our care giving actions and the more we try to objectify the one being care for, the more we become objects ourselves. Acts of kindness are both liberating and energizing. Acts of kindness allows us to control our environment and not be controlled nor colored by it. Acts of kindness allow you to acknowledge the challenge in the care situation but not indulge it. A kind word, a book read, a window opened, a pillow fluffed, a gentle reminder of medicine to be taken...a pause for just a few seconds are all acts of kindness. The energy in an ounce of kindness is dramatically more powerful than in a pound of resentment. RESOLVE that you will act with kindness in the way that you are in relationship with the one you are caring for. Post Your Comments

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." Mark Twain There are lots of things that you stop doing as you get older and one of the most damaging things to the body and mind is to stop laughing...at yourself, the world, the situation you find yourself in. Laughter is to situations what water is to a fish..absolutely necessary for survival. As a care giver it is easy to slip into the monotonous seriousness of providing constant attention to the person in your charge. You approach each action as if it were the final step in finding a cure for cancer or the desalinization of the oceans. The gravity of the decision of whether to increase medication, bathe in the morning or late at night, or do a pedicure vs. a manicure promises to weigh down heavily on both the body and mind. I have heard care givers say that growing old is serious and care giving is serious business. I agree with them but what I would have them do is balance the seriousness with laughter. You can do this in the smallest of ways. Recollection and reflection always unearth stories of times when the one you are caring for was not only laughing at the world but laughing at themselves being a part of it. Encourage the one in your charge to remember those times when they laughed and have them share them with you. I used to go on Saturdays and Sundays to my father's care center and serve he and his cronies breakfast in the special care (translation: Alzheimer's) unit. The practice let me stay in touch with him and also observe how things were running in the center. One morning my father was walking down the hall to breakfast and he had nothing on but his shirt, underwear, and shoes and socks. I remember standing there with a plate of waffles in my hand, watching him walk down to breakfast half-dressed. When he got to me in the dining room, I looked at him and asked: "Did you forget something?" He looked at me and looked at himself and answered "Well, I forgot my watch." RESOLVE that both you and the one you are caring for need a daily prescription of laughter. Post Your Comments

Miracles do happen but one has to work awfully hard for them

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Miracles do happen but one has to work awfully hard for them." Chaim Weizmann Caring for someone on a continual basis puts you in touch gradually with the notion that there is something bigger than the moment. We arrive at that conclusion partly to avoid going mad and partly to stay out of cynicism's swamp. As we contemplate this "other" it is easy to drift into musings on the extraordinary...something that we could cause or make happen to influence the situation that might take the care giver from a feeling of duty to the experience of the divine. We call things extraordinary...miracles. We call them that because we have no other explanation close at hand to describe what is both an unexpected and highly unusual given the circumstances. While we instinctively credit those unusual things to something or someone higher than ourselves who has succumbed to our pleadings we often fail to give credit where credit is due: that is, the energy, effort, and actions that we apply to the situation. It is in the looking for the extraordinary that we miss the miracle of the ordinary. In care giving there are every day miracles that get swept underneath the day's rug with even less thought than we give the dust that accompanies them: the miracle of a good night's sleep, the miracle of a pain free evening, the miracle of a past event recalled, the miracle of a dinner completely eaten, the miracle of a conversation with a grandchild remembered, the miracle of making it from breakfast until noon and dozens more of ordinary things that are, in fact, highly extraordinary things. There may be a Higher Power that intervenes to create the extraordinary when we truly need it. Whether that is true or not is an eternally pondered question that as of date has more resolution in conjecture than confidence. Determinism is best proved when we are the ones determining what our results need to be and the actions that should proceed them. RESOLVE that each act of care giving becomes its own miracle. Post Your Comments

Adversity is the midwife of genius

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:15:53 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Adversity is the midwife of genius." - Napoleon Bonaparte One of the things that occurs when you begin to take care of people, especially parents, is that there are days when it's just hard to do it all. It's hard to be a parent or partner, employee or employer, friend or lover, when you've taken on this extra set of tasks called caregiving. It can be the hardest of moments each moment. After a while it may begin to feel like adversity is your middle name and exhaustion is your calling. How we handle adversity tells the world a lot about us and even more about us to ourselves. For some people, adversity draws the line for them that they can never cross over. For others, the conquering of some small adversity gives them the confidence to go on to larger ones. The trick in care giving is to understand that inside the adversity is always a lesson to learn and an opportunity to take advantage of. It's in the conquering of adversity that your greatest progress often lies. In taking care of my father during his years with Alzheimer's it seemed as if we were always short of something and even shorter of the materials to make up the difference. Whether it was help, money, or just time, each of those things presented their own set of adversities. What I noticed after a while was that when you conquered one set there was another one around the corner. I began, after a while, to stop seeing the adversities as stumbling blocks but instead, as building blocks. With each adversity I overcame in caring for my father it seemed as if I gained a little bit of each of the important trio of courage, confidence, and capability. Confidence accumulates. Courage accumulates. Capability accumulates. They all build on each other over time. One day you will marvel at your ability to deal with the fear, doubt, and uncertainty that adversity uses as a classroom. RESOLVE that adversity that you face in care giving will be an energizing force and not a paralyzing one. Post Your Comments

Enfortudima vincimus... by endurance we conquer

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:51:49 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor " Enfortudima vincimus... by endurance we conquer " One of the challenges of care giving on a long term basis is that while we are absolutely positive of when the responsibilities begin we are not as sure of when they may end. It is that uncertainty that eats at our confidence over time. We tend in care giving to truncate positiveness and extrapolate the negativeness of a situation. In other words, we believe that a good day is an accident while a bad day is an omen of worse days to come. That extrapolation overwhelms us in that we take in the moment what we are feeling and imagine what it will be like if it continues. The result is that we lose hope that anything will ever be better. Some things get better with the passage of time. All things, it seems, become bearable. The difficulty is not in the bearability but in the predictability. We doubt that we have the physical, emotional, spiritual resources to continue like we are having to in the moment forever. That thinking is a subtle way of destroying not only your ability to cope in the moment but your ability to comprehend in the future. Care giving is most of all about being present in the moment. There is just this day, this visit, this thing, that you are being asked to do. While it may be unimaginable to you that you could do what you are doing today for an indeterminate period of time, it is entirely plausible that you can do what you have to do just for today. Tomorrow isnt a requirement yettoday is. Heres what you can do today: anything you need to. Its only for today. And when tomorrow comes it will be today. Tomorrow you can do whatever the day requires because you will be new and so will the day. Let the new day give you the energy that you need to make it work. RESOLVE that the only endurance you need is for the next hour, morning, afternoon, or evening. Post Your Comments

Courage is not one of the virtues but every virtue at its testing point

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:51:49 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "Courage is not one of the virtues but every virtue at its testing point." - C. S. Lewis Care giving has many requirements attached to it but the greatest one is courage. Anyone who has found themselves in a care giving role will tell you that care giving is one of the bravest things that you will ever be asked to do. You fundamentally assume the role of Watcher over the one you are caring for. As a Watcher you are responsible for food, health, safety, well beingand everything else that is required of someone who has been given the control and responsibility for and over someone else. The courage requirement shows up in many ways. Its the courage to ask the tough questions about money, about medicine, about maintenance. Its the courage to meet with family members and risk disenfranchisement by taking a tough stand on tough issues. Its learning new words, actions, and processes that you have no background or skill to prepare you for. Its having to work with other people, professionals, and providers, that all things being equal, you were hoping to never have to meet much less work with. The word courage and encouragement are closely linked together. Encouragement is a combination of three words that essentially mean with heart movement. So, courage is simply about heart. Its interesting that of all the muscles in the body, the heart is the biggest and most efficient...and the most necessary for survival. You can lose leg muscles and arm muscles and even the limbs themselves but lose a heart muscle andwell.you have serious problems. RESOLVE that you will develop your heart so that your courage develops with it. Post Your Comments

It Was Their Finest Hour

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:42:02 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "It was their finest hour." - Sir Winston Churchill No country came closer to the brink of extinction than did England in World War II. Hitlers war machine had captured most of Europe and it was considered by many just a matter of time before England too fell captive to the unseemingly unstoppable force of evil. Britain responded to Hitlers threat with a combination of bravado and bluster that only the desperate can muster. Faced with dwindling physical resources the English had only their resolve and the leadership of Churchill to thwart Hitlers plans of global domination. What Hitler failed to understand was that there was something in the character of England that had not only made it one of the worlds great empires but destined it to either win the struggle against Hitler or go out of existence trying. History records the result of that struggle in the presence of England in the world today and the absence of the Nazi War Machine. The soldiers, citizens, and leaders of Britain gave all that they were possible of giving and then some to maintain their sense of presence, dignity, and purpose. Care Giving can seem like struggling against an unstoppable force from moment to moment. Whether it be the ravages of Alzheimers or simply the normal ailments accompanying getting older, it may appear that resignation to the inevitable is the only viable strategy. As a care giver its easy to give in to fatigue, loneliness, and desperation. Resist the temptation to do that. Begin each day with a quite resolve that just for the day you will meet the challenges and overcome them. The only battle to be concerned with today is todays battle. You cant do a years worth of battle today but you can do todays battle each day this year.. RESOLVE-to never give in and to the best of your ability make your care giving experience your "finest hour". Post Your Comment

But the greatest of these is love

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:42:02 GMT

Posted by Dan Taylor "But the greatest of these is love..." - The Apostle Paul Caring for someone over time changes you in a deceptively simple way: it actually makes you more of what you already are. If you are quarrelsome, negative, and bitter, care giving just makes you more of that. If you are relatively optimistic, happy, and pleasant, care giving kind of increases those things as well. The care giving responsibilities we are asked to assume simply reveal us over timenot make us. So, where does the energy for this care giving set of responsibilities come from? Care giving for many folks becomes item number 25 in a day that only has room for 20 in the first place. In fact, there are days in care giving when fate, time, and the circumstances of care giving seem to conspire to give us our own franchise on miseryor at least fatigue. New mothers face this same sort of requirement in the early days of a childs existence. Plagued by sleep deprivation, a strange combination of hormonal changes and maternal drives, and the confusion that comes from being a little prepared but not necessarily a lot. So, how do THEY do it? I think its simple: Its just love. The energy that comes from the combination of love and the overwhelming desire to watch over and protect this new creature overrides any sense of resignation or bitterness toward the deprivations that may be occurring. The love provides the energy for the task and the insulation from the elements surrounding it. There is no obligation in the loveonly opportunity. RESOLVE to love who you are taking care of and the perspective, practice, and purpose of care giving changes immediately. Post Your Comments